A fresh start..

This is a new beginning for me.. I've decided to stop moping, and get on with life.

The question then rises.. Am i sweeping the mistakes of the past under the carpet?

No.. i don't think so. For one, i cannot bring myself to delete her emails.. I still have her letters.
Every single mistake that we had, that i made, is as fresh today as it was when it took place.

I know exactly how much I have lost, if it is even possible to describe her wonder, her beauty and her gorgeous personality, that even now brings a wave of heartbreak.

I've deleted her photos.. the photos we had when we were together. I cannot claim them. They are no longer mine and I have no right to them.

This is perhaps the most painful lesson I've had in my life. Loving someone can be as disastrous as the worst accident ever.

And to pour in the irony, the lesson is something i knew all along, that something with great potential to be great, and wonderful, and beautiful, has that same potential to turn equally wrong.

This is one of those things.

I don't think I could have made it to today without some persons who spoke to me online during those cold empty nights, cooped up in my room with no comfort and no way to forgive myself.. I don't know how to express my thanks, really.. They were lifesavers, each of them..

I wish i was made of sterner stuff. I wish i had the godliness that would keep me from hurting myself and other people with my settling for lesser standards. If only I had treasured His Word, His commandments. If only I was close to Him. Perhaps there would have been less pain. But then if i didn't need the lesson, i wouldn't have had to go through all this.

I wish for a lot of things. I wish I could allow myself to rush into this pool of emotion. I wish I could tell her I loved her. I wish I could cry out to her, and I wish she would hold my hand and tell me its alright. I wish she would lean on me, and I could put my arm around her and tell her it was all going to be okay. I wish she would smile at me again.

But these things cannot happen. Not if I am to remain like this. Not if i am to stay the same wrecked person I am, with no regard for His instruction, His plan for my life. If I were to stay the same, and those things took place, we would go back to square one. I saw this when I broke up. But I told myself after that, that we could still somehow succeed. But she saw this truth too, and she refused to believe we could succeed.

She is the correct person in this. And I was kidding myself. The results will not change if the conditions remain constant.

Right now the only thing I can do is to head towards, no, throw myself headlong into trusting God. No matter how scary it is to leave her. To not find out about how she is. To not see her.

I need to love God more than I do her. And I need to trust that God can take care of her infinitely better than i ever can.

What I need to do now is to return her some things she has given me. If God willing, we have a tomorrow, then I will see those things again. She can give me all those things once more, and we can begin afresh. If not, I have no claim to those things anyhow.

God, give me strength. And help me not be afraid. Hold my hand through it all.