Some thinking

Hello everyone.. Don't worry i'm not as emo as it sounds..

V-day came and went without much ado.. There was the usual array of people dressed up, girls holding bouquets and the lonelier ones not making any eye contact with anyone at all when they walk around on V-day. I made the fatal mistake of going through some of my past emails when I was asleep (yeah i rigged my phone to my laptop's bluetooth so i can actually email in bed as long as my laptop is online).. and looking back at the past hour, I could have plunged into another deep depression..

But the past weeks of discipline and mental stability have helped.. In my somewhat reckless reading, i realised there were so many markers that hinted, or rather screamed that things were going awry.. but those things were masked behind the 'i-miss-you's and the 'thinking-of-you's and the 'of-course-i'll-see-you-next-week's.. and of course there were things i somehow knew would affect us but i just pushed away..

So the long and the short of it is that i guess it still does hurt, quite a fair bit, to remember that i hurt someone i cared for very much.. The cold irony is that each of us are actually able to hurt the ones closest to us, because we matter the most to them.. That is something that i think most of us would agree with straight off, but personally, it will take me a long time to deal with.. Not just in relationships past, but also present and future..

I don't think I will ever be able to forget what happened, the lesson still scars deeply. But this is how consequences are, when more is at stake we begin to deal with heavier consequences... of course, handled correctly we deal with beautiful results..

Where am I in God's plan then? I don't think I really know.. I know that I am learning, that He is making me stronger through everything so far. As with any mistake we make, this one really makes me want to turn back time and fix everything..

But I suppose one of the lessons I took away is that some things can't be erased and rewritten like pencil scribblings on paper..

So many mess-ups. As someone who takes facts as-is, its not a very light thing.. Part of this whole chunk of a mess is learning to forgive myself. Without disrespect to all the people who have told me this, and who have shown concern before, its not an easy thing.. I don't see this as some small 'oops-i-changed-your-wallpaper' kind of thing.. its more like a 'oops-i downloaded-ten-viruses?' kind of thing..

So, it will be irresponsible for me to forget this whole thing.. Telling me to do that won't work.. I won't learn anything from forgetting..

I intend to continually ponder.. And I will understand myself.. and finally get a grip on my own life.

1Co 9:25-27 ESV
(25) Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.
(26) So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air.
(27) But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Right..

Towards Christlikeness.. Onward.