Hello everyone!
What better way to spend Hari Raya than to visit Joanne in the lab?
(actually i was so bored i had nothing better to do la)
But it was a super eye opener when i went down on Thursday..
A little bit of an intro.. Her project is on porcine coronary arteries.. (if you didn't know what that meant then it doesn't really matter so never mind.. there are pictures)
Firstly.. the lab..
Next, the scientist in action.. She's handling some tubes...
Starting with the heart...
Digging in to get the artery..
Cutting away the fat around the artery..
And we have... ONE ARTERY!!!!!!
Holy cow imagine doing that for five hearts, excising two arteries per heart...
I am definitely glad i have my equations instead..
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Deeper reflections
To be very honest I've been thinking about relationships.. And I guess you could call it girl-crazy but thats not really the point.. Its not about girls.. Its more about ME.
Yup! I get to be self centred here.. But my reflections have been on a few things..
Whether i think i need a 'person'.. The answer is yes.
Whether i'm ready for a 'person'.. The answer is no.
Why I'm not ready.. The answers are numerous.
How to be ready.. The answer is God.
Indeed, only God can fix me. I will walk with that limp. I will see things around me and get affected by that scar. I will cry when I need to. I will cry knowing He is near, and that He holds me close. And I will continually give up what I need to.
Psa 147:1-4
(1) Praise Jehovah; for it is good to sing praises to our God; for praise is delightful and becoming.
(2) Jehovah builds up Jerusalem; He gathers together the outcasts of Israel.
(3) He heals the broken-hearted, and binds up their wounds.
(4) He appoints the number of the stars; He calls them all by their names.
Yup! I get to be self centred here.. But my reflections have been on a few things..
Whether i think i need a 'person'.. The answer is yes.
Whether i'm ready for a 'person'.. The answer is no.
Why I'm not ready.. The answers are numerous.
How to be ready.. The answer is God.
Indeed, only God can fix me. I will walk with that limp. I will see things around me and get affected by that scar. I will cry when I need to. I will cry knowing He is near, and that He holds me close. And I will continually give up what I need to.
Psa 147:1-4
(1) Praise Jehovah; for it is good to sing praises to our God; for praise is delightful and becoming.
(2) Jehovah builds up Jerusalem; He gathers together the outcasts of Israel.
(3) He heals the broken-hearted, and binds up their wounds.
(4) He appoints the number of the stars; He calls them all by their names.
Post-camp reflections
We broke camp yesterday.. and there were some disappointments, also some causes for celebration..
I sound emo because i AM emo.. so... yeah..
I served as mentor for my group.. I'm just glad to say that I tried my best to explain what I could.. I saw that the things I bothered to sit down and think through before, all came in useful in teaching..
And not only in teaching.. When I was revising through my reflection session for day 1.. I realised that the Scriptures I was looking through.. some seemed familiar.. some seemed unfamiliar..
All of them ministered to me..
So once again I think i was blessed in that..
As for disappointments.. I think I have shared enough about them to certain people who need to hear them.. So those will be past me..
Something that will stick to me is Pastor Ronald Yow's first message.. On Genesis 32:22-32..
Jacob changed his grip. He realised his wives would not help, his sons would not help, his livestock would not help. He was going to face his brother the next morning, whom he had stolen a birthright from. He took that time alone and he sought God.
Jacob changed his name. Through wrestling with God all night, God gave Jacob a new name. No longer a liar, no longer a thief.. But now he was Israel, the first of a nation. That new name reflected a change in character..
Jacob changed his walk. No longer would he walk in the same way.. He gained that limp.. But he had that new name..
On the third point, something came to me.. It seemed that Jacob was.. scarred.. somehow.. He won that exchange.. but he had that scar.. He had a permanent limp.
How many of us know we have to face that Esau sooner or later? How many of us know that we have to do it sooner or later but have no guts to do it? How many of us know God's direction but are reluctant to move ahead?
Like I said I'm feeling kinda emo.. so there..
Still deep in thought.. So will appreciate any prayers..
I sound emo because i AM emo.. so... yeah..
I served as mentor for my group.. I'm just glad to say that I tried my best to explain what I could.. I saw that the things I bothered to sit down and think through before, all came in useful in teaching..
And not only in teaching.. When I was revising through my reflection session for day 1.. I realised that the Scriptures I was looking through.. some seemed familiar.. some seemed unfamiliar..
All of them ministered to me..
So once again I think i was blessed in that..
As for disappointments.. I think I have shared enough about them to certain people who need to hear them.. So those will be past me..
Something that will stick to me is Pastor Ronald Yow's first message.. On Genesis 32:22-32..
Jacob changed his grip. He realised his wives would not help, his sons would not help, his livestock would not help. He was going to face his brother the next morning, whom he had stolen a birthright from. He took that time alone and he sought God.
Jacob changed his name. Through wrestling with God all night, God gave Jacob a new name. No longer a liar, no longer a thief.. But now he was Israel, the first of a nation. That new name reflected a change in character..
Jacob changed his walk. No longer would he walk in the same way.. He gained that limp.. But he had that new name..
On the third point, something came to me.. It seemed that Jacob was.. scarred.. somehow.. He won that exchange.. but he had that scar.. He had a permanent limp.
How many of us know we have to face that Esau sooner or later? How many of us know that we have to do it sooner or later but have no guts to do it? How many of us know God's direction but are reluctant to move ahead?
Like I said I'm feeling kinda emo.. so there..
Still deep in thought.. So will appreciate any prayers..
Sunday, 9 December 2007
Passport : Children's Camp 2007
I miss my kids!!!!!!
For those who don't know.. I went to help out in Children's Camp straight after my exams, and man it was a blast!
I seriously didn't quite feel like going.. I kinda wanted a break, and being put as a group leader in the camp didnt' seem like a very comfortable spot..
But i went.. and got to know my little team of leaders and shepherds.. and the kids are absolutely amazing in so many diverse ways..
Teaching children is really a test of how well you know your stuff.. I feel you don't really know your stuff unless you can explain it in terms other people can understand.. and who better to test explanations on than younger children? (I should refrain from the word 'kids' cause my p6 kids don't really like being called kids anymore haha)
I realise i am not being very.. focused on the things i bring up here, but its either my sleep deprivation during the camp, or my current sleep debt thats messing up my brain now.. so you'll all just have to bear with me for now..
There was one evening.. where the camp speaker Andrew asked the children to come up to their teachers and pray for them..
I wish I could put into words what i felt when they prayed for me.. The sincerity they showed in those simple prayers..
More than tongue can tell.
I left the camp having received more than I gave..
(AND WE WON BEST PERFORMANCE MUAHAHAHA)
Yes.. so i strongly encourage everyone in YPM to consider helping in CM camps..
Mel
For those who don't know.. I went to help out in Children's Camp straight after my exams, and man it was a blast!
I seriously didn't quite feel like going.. I kinda wanted a break, and being put as a group leader in the camp didnt' seem like a very comfortable spot..
But i went.. and got to know my little team of leaders and shepherds.. and the kids are absolutely amazing in so many diverse ways..
Teaching children is really a test of how well you know your stuff.. I feel you don't really know your stuff unless you can explain it in terms other people can understand.. and who better to test explanations on than younger children? (I should refrain from the word 'kids' cause my p6 kids don't really like being called kids anymore haha)
I realise i am not being very.. focused on the things i bring up here, but its either my sleep deprivation during the camp, or my current sleep debt thats messing up my brain now.. so you'll all just have to bear with me for now..
There was one evening.. where the camp speaker Andrew asked the children to come up to their teachers and pray for them..
I wish I could put into words what i felt when they prayed for me.. The sincerity they showed in those simple prayers..
More than tongue can tell.
I left the camp having received more than I gave..
(AND WE WON BEST PERFORMANCE MUAHAHAHA)
Yes.. so i strongly encourage everyone in YPM to consider helping in CM camps..
Mel
Sunday, 2 December 2007
Stand down
Hello all stations, this is Super Sunray, Message, Over
02, Send, Over.
Super Sunray, Paradise now, Over.
02, Confirm, Paradise now, Over.
Super Sunray, I say again, Paradise now.
02, Roger wilco.
Super Sunray, out.
02, Send, Over.
Super Sunray, Paradise now, Over.
02, Confirm, Paradise now, Over.
Super Sunray, I say again, Paradise now.
02, Roger wilco.
Super Sunray, out.
Friday, 30 November 2007
Spoke too soon
Okay, okay...
It is STILL a crazy time.
Matter of hours left...
So much to crammmmmmmmmmmmm......
Mel
It is STILL a crazy time.
Matter of hours left...
So much to crammmmmmmmmmmmm......
Mel
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Thank you all
Hello everyone...
I have one last paper on saturday and i swear its been a crazy time..
I wouldn't know what I would do without all the little encouragements I get from all of you guys time and time again..
Deeply appreciated..
I think I will do quite badly this semester.. But I will make it up to all of you guys by working doubly hard next sem..
Its the best way I know to thank all of you..
Mel
I have one last paper on saturday and i swear its been a crazy time..
I wouldn't know what I would do without all the little encouragements I get from all of you guys time and time again..
Deeply appreciated..
I think I will do quite badly this semester.. But I will make it up to all of you guys by working doubly hard next sem..
Its the best way I know to thank all of you..
Mel
Friday, 23 November 2007
Erosion
At this point i think it is taking every ounce of mental strength to keep from just breaking down..
I need a break. I need to discipline myself over and over again.. Seems like i keep panicking during exams..
I need a miracle..
I need a break. I need to discipline myself over and over again.. Seems like i keep panicking during exams..
I need a miracle..
Monday, 19 November 2007
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Personality test
After much fierce resistance i decided to do the Myers-Brigg personality test, one example of which is here.
Turns out that website thinks that I am a INTJ, which stands for Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging..
Below are the traits that are evaluated through the test..
Introverted / Extroverted
iNtuitive / Sensing
Thinking / Feeling
Perceiving / Judging
Seems like some of the analysis discussed in this article seems to reflect the way I do things.. How accurate is this stuff? Maybe it only works for me.. Maybe some of you can try it out and leave a tag..
Back to work..
Mel
Turns out that website thinks that I am a INTJ, which stands for Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging..
Below are the traits that are evaluated through the test..
Introverted / Extroverted
iNtuitive / Sensing
Thinking / Feeling
Perceiving / Judging
Seems like some of the analysis discussed in this article seems to reflect the way I do things.. How accurate is this stuff? Maybe it only works for me.. Maybe some of you can try it out and leave a tag..
Back to work..
Mel
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
late night thoughts - BGR
As I begin this post i must first say that i am no expert when it comes to BGR. I am not in a successful relationship and I doubt i will be anytime soon. However there are some things that must be said, lest it be assumed that i have nothing to say about the matter.
This post may seem to be extremely personal against one particular person, and full of mud-slinging. I however assure all of you that as i voice my opinions the sword cuts into my own heart as well.
Do I then hold back from saying the truth? I cannot. Because if we were all to hold back from speaking the truth because of our own faults then we would have a diluted and perverted fellowship, each one refusing to confront wrong.
The only way out, then, is to bravely confront the wrong.
I must first talk about emotions.. Emotional neediness. Now.. I'm not exactly the greatest person to preach about the subject. But I will talk about this because it matters.
I'm talking about depending too much on a BGR for companionship. I am talking about repeated BGRs one after another, with no seeming purpose.
I think the cause for emotional neediness is definitely a warped view of relationships. I believe God did not intend a life like that for us. Why would we need to rush headlong into something over and over again, gambling for the 'right' one? What are we looking for? Satisfaction? A rush? Some Hollywood romance scene?
What happens two weeks after the love comedy? Some horror show?
If you're not afraid of the horror show something must be insanely wrong. The very concept of relationships demand trust. And trust involves vulnerability.
Something with great potential for good can cause an equally destructive effect if handled wrongly. Look at all the examples in the Bible. The kings of Israel had so much responsibility.. But usually it boiled down to a 'yes' or 'no' decision. Obey, or sin. The consequences were straightforward too.. And they were kinda huge..
In this case, this vulnerability matters. Humans scar. The world is filled with desensitised people, all trying not to hurt, all trying to care less..
They were vulnerable. They're not vulnerable anymore..
What's the horror show in this case? It could be that someone is be left scarred. Some more, some less. The bigger horror show is the person doing the scarring.
Who's the scarier person in the horror shows? The victim or the perpetrator?
There is a real danger, of falling prey into something you are trying to fix. In order to deal with your emotional needs you try to get into more relationships to get your fix. The person who ends up the most scarred is the one with the warped views..
For everyone else who gets hurt, they will probably be less able to trust, and be vulnerable..
For this person with repeated BGRs?
How long will you repeatedly neglect God's divine Will for relationships?
And indeed, for myself as well. How long will I repeatedly neglect God's divine Will for my relationships in my life?
This post may seem to be extremely personal against one particular person, and full of mud-slinging. I however assure all of you that as i voice my opinions the sword cuts into my own heart as well.
Do I then hold back from saying the truth? I cannot. Because if we were all to hold back from speaking the truth because of our own faults then we would have a diluted and perverted fellowship, each one refusing to confront wrong.
The only way out, then, is to bravely confront the wrong.
I must first talk about emotions.. Emotional neediness. Now.. I'm not exactly the greatest person to preach about the subject. But I will talk about this because it matters.
I'm talking about depending too much on a BGR for companionship. I am talking about repeated BGRs one after another, with no seeming purpose.
I think the cause for emotional neediness is definitely a warped view of relationships. I believe God did not intend a life like that for us. Why would we need to rush headlong into something over and over again, gambling for the 'right' one? What are we looking for? Satisfaction? A rush? Some Hollywood romance scene?
What happens two weeks after the love comedy? Some horror show?
If you're not afraid of the horror show something must be insanely wrong. The very concept of relationships demand trust. And trust involves vulnerability.
Something with great potential for good can cause an equally destructive effect if handled wrongly. Look at all the examples in the Bible. The kings of Israel had so much responsibility.. But usually it boiled down to a 'yes' or 'no' decision. Obey, or sin. The consequences were straightforward too.. And they were kinda huge..
In this case, this vulnerability matters. Humans scar. The world is filled with desensitised people, all trying not to hurt, all trying to care less..
They were vulnerable. They're not vulnerable anymore..
What's the horror show in this case? It could be that someone is be left scarred. Some more, some less. The bigger horror show is the person doing the scarring.
Who's the scarier person in the horror shows? The victim or the perpetrator?
There is a real danger, of falling prey into something you are trying to fix. In order to deal with your emotional needs you try to get into more relationships to get your fix. The person who ends up the most scarred is the one with the warped views..
For everyone else who gets hurt, they will probably be less able to trust, and be vulnerable..
For this person with repeated BGRs?
How long will you repeatedly neglect God's divine Will for relationships?
And indeed, for myself as well. How long will I repeatedly neglect God's divine Will for my relationships in my life?
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Amandia and Cara's Birthday! (in alphabetical order)
ok before i forget, their birthday was celebrated on.. weds..
i need to make a birthday list..
oh no lemme check if i took pictures of them both
oops i didn't.. i have videos off my phone.. but i'll figure out how to fix that after my finals..
Anyhow, Fabius and I bought for Amandia (she needs to destress):
6 boxes of fruit tea, all in different flavours..
and for Cara, under the contractor theme:
a hard hat
a lego-ish calendar (you can rearrange the thing every month)
and a photo frame with a window like something from her office
it was massive fun
haha and yes we packaged the tea in some super super long stick..
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.. mandia couldn't stop laughing
i need to make a birthday list..
oh no lemme check if i took pictures of them both
oops i didn't.. i have videos off my phone.. but i'll figure out how to fix that after my finals..
Anyhow, Fabius and I bought for Amandia (she needs to destress):
6 boxes of fruit tea, all in different flavours..
and for Cara, under the contractor theme:
a hard hat
a lego-ish calendar (you can rearrange the thing every month)
and a photo frame with a window like something from her office
it was massive fun
haha and yes we packaged the tea in some super super long stick..
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.. mandia couldn't stop laughing
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
before i start cramming
Finally.. my internet connection seems to be slightly more reliable now..
Won't be on MSN cause i deleted it.. I'll be back after my exams..
Now to post some pictures i've been meaning to post for a long time..
Firstly, New Balance Realrun..
The coolest thing about the run was that they actually printed my name on my tag!! How cool is that.. They gave us all a chip too, to record our time.. I didn't run very fast.. Spent a lot of time waiting for Fabius.. *frown* lesson learnt.. next time we go for runs, we just do our own thing.. it costs too much to be waiting for each other.. Completed 10km in 1:13:25.. which is kinda slow..
Next... Chen Ming in operation
we were solving maths in the physics lab.. er yeah it sounds weird.. but the lab has an abundance of white boards haha.. and yes sarah the marker comes in handy..
And lastly my latest purchase, the Creative Zen 2GB
Its only 2Gb, cost me 149.. but its small, and light.. has inbuilt speakers and they have a little stand for you to put the player in, to focus the sound in a certain direction.. cute if you want to use it in the office or something.. but otherwise not really that useful.. the earphones dangling are the Crossroads X3 i posted up earlier.. so far i think Samson has heard the quality.. I should have taken a picture of his face when he was listening to it.. haha.. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
righty.. thats all for an update.. take care everyone.. back to my physics immersion..
Won't be on MSN cause i deleted it.. I'll be back after my exams..
Now to post some pictures i've been meaning to post for a long time..
Firstly, New Balance Realrun..
The coolest thing about the run was that they actually printed my name on my tag!! How cool is that.. They gave us all a chip too, to record our time.. I didn't run very fast.. Spent a lot of time waiting for Fabius.. *frown* lesson learnt.. next time we go for runs, we just do our own thing.. it costs too much to be waiting for each other.. Completed 10km in 1:13:25.. which is kinda slow..
Next... Chen Ming in operation
we were solving maths in the physics lab.. er yeah it sounds weird.. but the lab has an abundance of white boards haha.. and yes sarah the marker comes in handy..
And lastly my latest purchase, the Creative Zen 2GB
Its only 2Gb, cost me 149.. but its small, and light.. has inbuilt speakers and they have a little stand for you to put the player in, to focus the sound in a certain direction.. cute if you want to use it in the office or something.. but otherwise not really that useful.. the earphones dangling are the Crossroads X3 i posted up earlier.. so far i think Samson has heard the quality.. I should have taken a picture of his face when he was listening to it.. haha.. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
righty.. thats all for an update.. take care everyone.. back to my physics immersion..
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
We Might As Well Be Strangers - Keane
I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well
I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know
Or feel the touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well
I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
The heat is on
Alllright..
Exams start on the 24th of November. Thats in 31 days. NUS kids will know that this is now double digit week.. Week 10.. It signifies the beginning of the end haha..
Lessons aren't over.. but i'm already beginning to mug. This involves cutting lessons that don't help much, and forcing my mind to fully understand everything myself. I think lectures are great.. you can see for yourself how the thing unravels and stuff.. but some things.. you gotta sit down with a book and thrash out the details on your own..
I think for science subjects it means more if you understand stuff on your own, and if you are able to actually explain stuff to someone who has no idea what you're learning. That's what learning is right?
Argh. Blasted material. Need my brain to work faster.
Oh haha on another note.. i went for a run on monday night.. I almost stomped on a frog that dashed out onto the pavement like 3 steps in front of me.. Then it started raining.. ugh..
Being random today.. kinda tired.. i'll try to update more often..
Exams start on the 24th of November. Thats in 31 days. NUS kids will know that this is now double digit week.. Week 10.. It signifies the beginning of the end haha..
Lessons aren't over.. but i'm already beginning to mug. This involves cutting lessons that don't help much, and forcing my mind to fully understand everything myself. I think lectures are great.. you can see for yourself how the thing unravels and stuff.. but some things.. you gotta sit down with a book and thrash out the details on your own..
I think for science subjects it means more if you understand stuff on your own, and if you are able to actually explain stuff to someone who has no idea what you're learning. That's what learning is right?
Argh. Blasted material. Need my brain to work faster.
Oh haha on another note.. i went for a run on monday night.. I almost stomped on a frog that dashed out onto the pavement like 3 steps in front of me.. Then it started raining.. ugh..
Being random today.. kinda tired.. i'll try to update more often..
Friday, 19 October 2007
Finally
Okay.. My midterms are over.. for now..
There's still one or two lurking around.. I don't have the energy, or the heart, to check when they occur..
Anyhow.. My Analysis test today was unexpectedly good.. I don't know.. I made mistakes (as usual) but somehow it seemed that the work I put in through the semester started to show through.. and i managed to think analytically (which i suppose is one of the things the module is trying to achieve)
So... Tonight has been spent relaxing.. doing some room clearing.. Doing some thinking, not of the emo kind but of the slow reflection kind.. Its been a good evening..
Oh yes. My coffee ban didn't really work out.. I had two coffees since monday. But those of you who know my coffee addiction would know that TWO is the number of coffees i usually take in a day. So lets keep this going.. I actually feel more awake nowadays.. Thanks for the prayers all...
Mel
P.S. oh yes i went for a run yesterday. my legs hurt.. its been too long.. and yes i went for a run the evening before a test.. oh well it worked out..
There's still one or two lurking around.. I don't have the energy, or the heart, to check when they occur..
Anyhow.. My Analysis test today was unexpectedly good.. I don't know.. I made mistakes (as usual) but somehow it seemed that the work I put in through the semester started to show through.. and i managed to think analytically (which i suppose is one of the things the module is trying to achieve)
So... Tonight has been spent relaxing.. doing some room clearing.. Doing some thinking, not of the emo kind but of the slow reflection kind.. Its been a good evening..
Oh yes. My coffee ban didn't really work out.. I had two coffees since monday. But those of you who know my coffee addiction would know that TWO is the number of coffees i usually take in a day. So lets keep this going.. I actually feel more awake nowadays.. Thanks for the prayers all...
Mel
P.S. oh yes i went for a run yesterday. my legs hurt.. its been too long.. and yes i went for a run the evening before a test.. oh well it worked out..
Thursday, 18 October 2007
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Mylarone X3
Study study study
Hello everyone..
got some thoughts straightened out so i think i can manage to be stable for a while..
anyhow.. some pictures taken from the library yesterday afternoon.. just my luck.. the first time i decide to sit by the window it rains ha..
But then it got beautiful again....
I was hoping people wouldn't notice some geek taking pictures out the window.. (Like i was taking some pictures of ghosts.. )
鬼啊!!!
But anyhow.. This part of a song came to my mind yesterday..
Who am I?
That the voice that calms the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Okay back to work.. its surprisingly empty in the library tonight.. must be some great conspiracy.. the science library isn't supposed to be quiet and empty. its supposed to be full of muggers.. There's a disturbance in the force.
And i should add myself to the number of muggers.. back to work.. test on friday bleah.. wish me luck!
got some thoughts straightened out so i think i can manage to be stable for a while..
anyhow.. some pictures taken from the library yesterday afternoon.. just my luck.. the first time i decide to sit by the window it rains ha..
But then it got beautiful again....
I was hoping people wouldn't notice some geek taking pictures out the window.. (Like i was taking some pictures of ghosts.. )
鬼啊!!!
But anyhow.. This part of a song came to my mind yesterday..
Who am I?
That the voice that calms the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Okay back to work.. its surprisingly empty in the library tonight.. must be some great conspiracy.. the science library isn't supposed to be quiet and empty. its supposed to be full of muggers.. There's a disturbance in the force.
And i should add myself to the number of muggers.. back to work.. test on friday bleah.. wish me luck!
Monday, 15 October 2007
Psalm 77
I cried out to God with my voice -
to God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
In the day of my trouble I sought out the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed.
You hold my eyes open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I have considered the days of old,
The years of ancient times.
I call to remembrance my song in the night;
I meditate within my heart,
And my spirit makes diligent search.
Will the Lord be cast off forever?
and will He be favourable no more?
Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?
And I said, "This is my anguish;
But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the works of the Lord;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.
I will also meditate on all Your work,
And talk of your deeds.
Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;
Who is so great a God as our God?
You are the God who does wonders;
You have declared Your strength among the peoples.
You have with Your arm redeemed Your people,
The sons of Jacob and Joseph.
The waters saw You, O God;
The waters saw You, they were afraid;
The depths also trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
The skies sent out a sound;
Your arrows also flashed about/
The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind;
The lightnings lit up the world;
The earth trembled and shook.
Your way was in the sea,
Your path was in the great waters,
And Your footsteps weer not known.
You led Your people like a flock
By the hand of Moses and Aaron
to God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
In the day of my trouble I sought out the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed.
You hold my eyes open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I have considered the days of old,
The years of ancient times.
I call to remembrance my song in the night;
I meditate within my heart,
And my spirit makes diligent search.
Will the Lord be cast off forever?
and will He be favourable no more?
Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?
And I said, "This is my anguish;
But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the works of the Lord;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.
I will also meditate on all Your work,
And talk of your deeds.
Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;
Who is so great a God as our God?
You are the God who does wonders;
You have declared Your strength among the peoples.
You have with Your arm redeemed Your people,
The sons of Jacob and Joseph.
The waters saw You, O God;
The waters saw You, they were afraid;
The depths also trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
The skies sent out a sound;
Your arrows also flashed about/
The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind;
The lightnings lit up the world;
The earth trembled and shook.
Your way was in the sea,
Your path was in the great waters,
And Your footsteps weer not known.
You led Your people like a flock
By the hand of Moses and Aaron
Sunday, 14 October 2007
regrets
sorry to be emo..
and yes she was my superwoman..
she's never coming back though.
don't worry.. i'll just take some time.. i'll be alright..
and yes she was my superwoman..
she's never coming back though.
don't worry.. i'll just take some time.. i'll be alright..
Resolution
I think I need to get a grip on my life...
All the coffee, the listlessness...
the phasing in and out of attention..
COFFEE BAN FOR ONE WEEK.
and i mean it.
my mind seems to now only work in spurts of activity.. i can't seem to muster a slow attentive state of calm anymore.. which is strange.. i blame the caffeine and my lack of trust in God for peace..
All the coffee, the listlessness...
the phasing in and out of attention..
COFFEE BAN FOR ONE WEEK.
and i mean it.
my mind seems to now only work in spurts of activity.. i can't seem to muster a slow attentive state of calm anymore.. which is strange.. i blame the caffeine and my lack of trust in God for peace..
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
drained
test tomorrow...
exhausted..
emotionally empty..
recovering from the flu..
and yet.. not falling apart.. somehow...
It is His strength that sustains. His promises give hope.. His presence that fills completely..
exhausted..
emotionally empty..
recovering from the flu..
and yet.. not falling apart.. somehow...
It is His strength that sustains. His promises give hope.. His presence that fills completely..
Monday, 8 October 2007
ARGH
i started getting depressed just now.. kept listening to sad songs, and especially 我懂了她 by 李圣杰.. No prizes for guessing what i was thinking about.
Aaaanyhow.. i figured it wasn't going to help. and anyhow i've got at test on Thursday.. Sometimes its not what we're thinking, or how we're affected that breaks us down.. Sometimes its also whether we want to try to act according to our feelings, or whether we want to act in an appropriate way..
I think even after a whole year in uni i really haven't gotten down to serious study.. Serious as in.. to really get to know my stuff, to memorise and to be able to explain things at a second's notice..
That's my goal from now i suppose.. Even knowledge accumulation, is a stewardship.
Keep praying everyone..
Mel
Aaaanyhow.. i figured it wasn't going to help. and anyhow i've got at test on Thursday.. Sometimes its not what we're thinking, or how we're affected that breaks us down.. Sometimes its also whether we want to try to act according to our feelings, or whether we want to act in an appropriate way..
I think even after a whole year in uni i really haven't gotten down to serious study.. Serious as in.. to really get to know my stuff, to memorise and to be able to explain things at a second's notice..
That's my goal from now i suppose.. Even knowledge accumulation, is a stewardship.
Keep praying everyone..
Mel
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Creation Conference!
Hello everyone... I wanted to post this yesterday, but i was kinda tired..
Anyhow Creation Conference was a blast! It really took my breath away, to see some strong support for Creationist views, when the scientific world is increasingly Evolutionist.
I also got the chance to have a little chat with a Physics professor, Dr John Hartnett.. He gave me his name card and told me to let him know if i ever wanted to do postgraduate studies.. Whoa.. He also said they were always looking for good students.
I wonder if i fit the bill.
But i suppose you guys want to know the REALLY JUICY stuff. The really really fun things that I learned at the conference.
Well for one thing, conference attendees are labelled into 2 types. The faithful and the fallen. HAHA
Faithful - Pamela and my sister
Fallen - Daphne and Yunhui
If you notice the orientation of the photos you'll note i was in the centre, and the next in line to fall asleep haha.. But to be fair it was one of the physics talks and very few people understood what was going on.. It was also one of the late afternoon talks..
Ok ok... You want the proper juicy stuff.
Well creationism is like.. believing what the Bible says. If the Bible says six days of creation, then creation took six days. If the Bible says there was a flood, then there was a flood. The Bible is the authority.. Whether we understand how it all works out, is another thing..
This makes sense if we think about anything else the Bible says. Take salvation for example. We know God loves us, but we can never really comprehend the extent or the kind of love He has for us.. But we know it is there, and we have that faith that His love never fails.
If we take the Bible as truth, we will take the whole Bible as truth..
This means doing away with explanations like millions of years passing in between Day 1 and Day 2 of creation. There was no reason to believe that anything other than EARTH days were implied in the text..
Wow. so much to know.. You know its like I always believed? That creation reflects His glory. This entire universe is the work of His hands.. This conference is like a booster jab for that belief.
Ok thats all I'll write.. I might write more soon..
Ta..
Mel
Anyhow Creation Conference was a blast! It really took my breath away, to see some strong support for Creationist views, when the scientific world is increasingly Evolutionist.
I also got the chance to have a little chat with a Physics professor, Dr John Hartnett.. He gave me his name card and told me to let him know if i ever wanted to do postgraduate studies.. Whoa.. He also said they were always looking for good students.
I wonder if i fit the bill.
But i suppose you guys want to know the REALLY JUICY stuff. The really really fun things that I learned at the conference.
Well for one thing, conference attendees are labelled into 2 types. The faithful and the fallen. HAHA
Faithful - Pamela and my sister
Fallen - Daphne and Yunhui
If you notice the orientation of the photos you'll note i was in the centre, and the next in line to fall asleep haha.. But to be fair it was one of the physics talks and very few people understood what was going on.. It was also one of the late afternoon talks..
Ok ok... You want the proper juicy stuff.
Well creationism is like.. believing what the Bible says. If the Bible says six days of creation, then creation took six days. If the Bible says there was a flood, then there was a flood. The Bible is the authority.. Whether we understand how it all works out, is another thing..
This makes sense if we think about anything else the Bible says. Take salvation for example. We know God loves us, but we can never really comprehend the extent or the kind of love He has for us.. But we know it is there, and we have that faith that His love never fails.
If we take the Bible as truth, we will take the whole Bible as truth..
This means doing away with explanations like millions of years passing in between Day 1 and Day 2 of creation. There was no reason to believe that anything other than EARTH days were implied in the text..
Wow. so much to know.. You know its like I always believed? That creation reflects His glory. This entire universe is the work of His hands.. This conference is like a booster jab for that belief.
Ok thats all I'll write.. I might write more soon..
Ta..
Mel
Thursday, 4 October 2007
I'm tired...
I think i'm tired.. like really tired..
I need a break on sunday.. I suggest going someplace for coffee, chilling and reading a book. Who's with me? I suggest TCC at City Hall.
On a nicer side note, I attended the first day of Creation Conference 2007..
I don't know how long the link will last but oh well..
It was seriously refreshing, to see that there is concrete empirical evidence for some of the things suggested in the Bible, like a sudden flood, and that some processes need not have taken as long as we previously imagined.
I'm just tired though, had a horrible quantum test in the morning. Project to submit by tomorrow.
Do tutorial first..
I am seriously going for the coffee thing.. or maybe there's another alternative, like chill in church.. but i need some quiet with soft music.. i can do the music thing in my room, but there are too many textbooks and sets of lecture notes everywhere.. I think I get stressed just walking into my room.
Aahhhh...
Maybe i should take some time to spend with the Lord first..
I need a break on sunday.. I suggest going someplace for coffee, chilling and reading a book. Who's with me? I suggest TCC at City Hall.
On a nicer side note, I attended the first day of Creation Conference 2007..
I don't know how long the link will last but oh well..
It was seriously refreshing, to see that there is concrete empirical evidence for some of the things suggested in the Bible, like a sudden flood, and that some processes need not have taken as long as we previously imagined.
I'm just tired though, had a horrible quantum test in the morning. Project to submit by tomorrow.
Do tutorial first..
I am seriously going for the coffee thing.. or maybe there's another alternative, like chill in church.. but i need some quiet with soft music.. i can do the music thing in my room, but there are too many textbooks and sets of lecture notes everywhere.. I think I get stressed just walking into my room.
Aahhhh...
Maybe i should take some time to spend with the Lord first..
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
I got bluffed by probability
Sigh. I could do the sums but i didn't trust my math...
Anyhow, for anyone who's interested, it is actually possible to get an average value of infinity for a theoretical situation..
ARGH.
On to quantum mechanics.
Anyhow, for anyone who's interested, it is actually possible to get an average value of infinity for a theoretical situation..
ARGH.
On to quantum mechanics.
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
OH YES.... i forgot to rant..
Okay this is juicy, so i can already sense hands being rubbed together in glee..
on Sunday (last day of sept) i went into chapel and stood at the back for a bit.. cause my usual spot was filled and i didn't really want to go into the front.. I thought I'd wait till the YPMS kids cleared out or something.. (I didn't know there was no YPMS that day la).
So some woman comes up to me and starts talking.. To be honest I wasn't paying attention to her. I thought she wanted to stand at the back too.. I was paying attention to the lyrics anyhow.
She kept looking at me and talking, and when I turned to her she was saying
'somethingsomethingblahblah... there was a comment that people are standing at the back, and its not very nice okay. so can you go to the front"
and she was just looking at me.
WAH. I tell you. I held her gaze for a full ten seconds. I wanted to tell her exactly how fat she was, how lousy her dressing was, how stupid she sounded and that she also forgot to say good morning. It is extremely amazing how fast your mind can fly, when you have such unholy motivation.
On second thought I should have just asked her how to receive Jesus. She would have fainted if she had realised that she might have been talking to someone NOT from church circles.
Anyhow after i held my gaze and gave her the most intense glare of my life, (note that I am a
full head taller than her and i'm not that tall), i just said okay, and walked forward.
However thats not the point. Its how you say things. She didn't even have the decency to smile. She didn't start with a good morning, or end with a thank you.
Anyhow.. the whole stupid incident left me feeling angry for the whole of the fast songs... wah.. i just stood there and fumed and fumed. i wanted to trip her, throw eggs at her, break some bones, bribe kids to walk to her and go "ARGH!! scary woman!!! mommyyyy!!!!"
She knows absolutely nothing about me, let alone know me.
Then it hit me. There are a 2 ways to get through the next few minutes. Fume, or forgive. I'm no saint here, it took me like ten minutes to start praying and tell God.. i'm going to forgive her, and i'm not going to pursue the matter.
That was when i really relaxed, and I was able to sing.. and let go.. and Ross Paterson was right, Matt did a great job of worship leading *appreciative applause*.
the next question is how i'm going to get through the next few sundays. It will take more patience, and more forgiveness.
So if any of you read this.. I suggest that if some wierdo comes up to you while you're leaning on the wooden panels on sunday, smile widely, shake his/HER hand and say "Peace, brother/SISTER. Good morning."
argh just talking about this makes me sian
Anyhow. I wonder if i actually passed that test. I did manage to calm down, and absorb the sermon and everything, but maybe there was something else i could have done.
Suggestions? leave some comments or leave a tag.
Onwards to Christlikeness.
Mel
P.S.
anyhow.. here's a picture of the quiet Year 1 Physics lab at 11 in the morning..
It's actually quite serene, with the lights off and sunlight streaming through the windows. Maybe its a relative thing cause i'm trying to cram probability. AH BACK TO WORK
on Sunday (last day of sept) i went into chapel and stood at the back for a bit.. cause my usual spot was filled and i didn't really want to go into the front.. I thought I'd wait till the YPMS kids cleared out or something.. (I didn't know there was no YPMS that day la).
So some woman comes up to me and starts talking.. To be honest I wasn't paying attention to her. I thought she wanted to stand at the back too.. I was paying attention to the lyrics anyhow.
She kept looking at me and talking, and when I turned to her she was saying
'somethingsomethingblahblah... there was a comment that people are standing at the back, and its not very nice okay. so can you go to the front"
and she was just looking at me.
WAH. I tell you. I held her gaze for a full ten seconds. I wanted to tell her exactly how fat she was, how lousy her dressing was, how stupid she sounded and that she also forgot to say good morning. It is extremely amazing how fast your mind can fly, when you have such unholy motivation.
On second thought I should have just asked her how to receive Jesus. She would have fainted if she had realised that she might have been talking to someone NOT from church circles.
Anyhow after i held my gaze and gave her the most intense glare of my life, (note that I am a
full head taller than her and i'm not that tall), i just said okay, and walked forward.
However thats not the point. Its how you say things. She didn't even have the decency to smile. She didn't start with a good morning, or end with a thank you.
Anyhow.. the whole stupid incident left me feeling angry for the whole of the fast songs... wah.. i just stood there and fumed and fumed. i wanted to trip her, throw eggs at her, break some bones, bribe kids to walk to her and go "ARGH!! scary woman!!! mommyyyy!!!!"
She knows absolutely nothing about me, let alone know me.
Then it hit me. There are a 2 ways to get through the next few minutes. Fume, or forgive. I'm no saint here, it took me like ten minutes to start praying and tell God.. i'm going to forgive her, and i'm not going to pursue the matter.
That was when i really relaxed, and I was able to sing.. and let go.. and Ross Paterson was right, Matt did a great job of worship leading *appreciative applause*.
the next question is how i'm going to get through the next few sundays. It will take more patience, and more forgiveness.
So if any of you read this.. I suggest that if some wierdo comes up to you while you're leaning on the wooden panels on sunday, smile widely, shake his/HER hand and say "Peace, brother/SISTER. Good morning."
argh just talking about this makes me sian
Anyhow. I wonder if i actually passed that test. I did manage to calm down, and absorb the sermon and everything, but maybe there was something else i could have done.
Suggestions? leave some comments or leave a tag.
Onwards to Christlikeness.
Mel
P.S.
anyhow.. here's a picture of the quiet Year 1 Physics lab at 11 in the morning..
It's actually quite serene, with the lights off and sunlight streaming through the windows. Maybe its a relative thing cause i'm trying to cram probability. AH BACK TO WORK
Monday, 1 October 2007
The tests are here
Okay.. its going to be boring for a while..
I'm having tests this week and for a little while...
It's time to clear my explosion of a table and head down to hitting the books..
probability test tomorrow weights 40%.
hoooo boy..
Hopefully I can drive up the probability density function of my grades.
(if you understood that, you also understand that i no longer have faith that marks are deterministic.)
Coffee coffee coffee
Mel
I'm having tests this week and for a little while...
It's time to clear my explosion of a table and head down to hitting the books..
probability test tomorrow weights 40%.
hoooo boy..
Hopefully I can drive up the probability density function of my grades.
(if you understood that, you also understand that i no longer have faith that marks are deterministic.)
Coffee coffee coffee
Mel
Friday, 28 September 2007
Its done!
Thursday, 27 September 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Mozilla Firefox
Hello, due to aaron's complaint of popups i have decided to do some publicity for my internet browser..
Mozilla Firefox!!
This net browser, although slower to startup than IE, does a fantastic job of blocking popups and ads..
Firefox is open-source, and that means that geeky people can create programs to install onto Firefox, allowing for added functionality. I had a weather forecast module installed into Firefox at one point. They have things like Gmail checkers and youtube clip downloaders. I'm using a add-on to save-state when i shut down my browser/computer.. so you can actually resume what you were surfing before.. You can actually install themes too, to change the look of your browser window. My laptop has a really small screen, so i'm using a theme called Littlefox.. it has smaller sized buttons so as to accomodate more surfing space.
Seriously, with options like this, IE7 really appears pathetic.
Did I mention? Firefox works for the OSX also. If you absolutely HAVE to have the Safari look for your browser there are themes to install, or try Camino, from Mozilla too.
I only use IE for my NUS email..
Change to firefox!
haha
Mel
Mozilla Firefox!!
This net browser, although slower to startup than IE, does a fantastic job of blocking popups and ads..
Firefox is open-source, and that means that geeky people can create programs to install onto Firefox, allowing for added functionality. I had a weather forecast module installed into Firefox at one point. They have things like Gmail checkers and youtube clip downloaders. I'm using a add-on to save-state when i shut down my browser/computer.. so you can actually resume what you were surfing before.. You can actually install themes too, to change the look of your browser window. My laptop has a really small screen, so i'm using a theme called Littlefox.. it has smaller sized buttons so as to accomodate more surfing space.
Seriously, with options like this, IE7 really appears pathetic.
Did I mention? Firefox works for the OSX also. If you absolutely HAVE to have the Safari look for your browser there are themes to install, or try Camino, from Mozilla too.
I only use IE for my NUS email..
Change to firefox!
haha
Mel
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
Awesome burden
Hello everyone. The tone of this post will be a bit more subdued. I am in the midst of writing a proposal, probably the most important write-up of my life, and yet not directly impacting my future.
I think i gave myself too short a timeline. I have till saturday to finish it. This impacts a lot of what is going on in a certain group of people around me.
Why am I writing this? I think that its the right thing to do. I think that it must be done, for some of us to all agree on certain things, and thereafter move ahead and proceed with the correct steps.
Pray for me, as I focus all my will and all my brain into this writeup. I want to write it lovingly and sternly. I want to convey the importance of the issues, and yet be compassionate.
Lord give me strength.
Mel
I think i gave myself too short a timeline. I have till saturday to finish it. This impacts a lot of what is going on in a certain group of people around me.
Why am I writing this? I think that its the right thing to do. I think that it must be done, for some of us to all agree on certain things, and thereafter move ahead and proceed with the correct steps.
Pray for me, as I focus all my will and all my brain into this writeup. I want to write it lovingly and sternly. I want to convey the importance of the issues, and yet be compassionate.
Lord give me strength.
Mel
Sunday, 23 September 2007
Connect Conference
Hello people.. I attended Connect Conference over Friday and Saturday, and it was a blast!
The conference really opened my eyes to the stuff that we never realise..
Things like working hard in school, in order to be competent in your work in future, so as to bring glory to God.. things like cultivating a disciplined life, saturated in His Word..
These things we know. Sometimes we need a kick in the butt.. Sometimes we forget the reasons for doing those things, and we lose steam cause we don't see why we should do some things anymore.
In the workshop I attended, 'The Secret of Loving' the speakers Amos and Karen shared some insights on BGR that i never heard before.. Crucial to any relationship, is Trust, Respect, Understanding and Love. And interestingly, they stressed that we need to respect ourselves, understand ourselves also...
SO many lessons... SO little energy to recall everything now...
Some pictures i guess?
Mel
The conference really opened my eyes to the stuff that we never realise..
Things like working hard in school, in order to be competent in your work in future, so as to bring glory to God.. things like cultivating a disciplined life, saturated in His Word..
These things we know. Sometimes we need a kick in the butt.. Sometimes we forget the reasons for doing those things, and we lose steam cause we don't see why we should do some things anymore.
In the workshop I attended, 'The Secret of Loving' the speakers Amos and Karen shared some insights on BGR that i never heard before.. Crucial to any relationship, is Trust, Respect, Understanding and Love. And interestingly, they stressed that we need to respect ourselves, understand ourselves also...
SO many lessons... SO little energy to recall everything now...
Some pictures i guess?
Mel
Friday, 21 September 2007
mid term is over.........
For some inexplicable reason....
I have survived half a sem...
as you can see school looks pretty empty.. (at lunchtime..)
seems like most people are skipping class already
and yes this is our very own Yu Ming.. Mr genius for you..
the wind was blowing and he was asking another Mr genius some question.
they call him Yu Ming
I call him boss.
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Blog launch
Splurging on a CD
I just bought a CD!
I guess I really should be saving up money.. There are a couple of things I want to spend money on.. But I saw Olivia on sale at the Science Bazaar, and the uncle selling CDs really knows how to work the crowd.. Mid term tests are coming and he played soothing music.. Naturally the CDs were selling like hot cakes.. So, you business kids.. Take note.. Its about the people and their needs.
Bossanova played over surround sound rocks totally.
Time for dinner, and on to real analysis homework... (MA2108)
I guess I really should be saving up money.. There are a couple of things I want to spend money on.. But I saw Olivia on sale at the Science Bazaar, and the uncle selling CDs really knows how to work the crowd.. Mid term tests are coming and he played soothing music.. Naturally the CDs were selling like hot cakes.. So, you business kids.. Take note.. Its about the people and their needs.
Bossanova played over surround sound rocks totally.
Time for dinner, and on to real analysis homework... (MA2108)
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Summer Programme plans
i went for a briefing today... on the summer programme for Uni of Waterloo held in the may to july period of 2008 (their spring term)
Apparently they have a really large faculty of mathematics.. Imagine a whole faculty of mathematics.. over in NUS its just a department of mathematics in a faculty of science..
hmmn.. i'm wondering if i even like maths that much.. maybe i should really just go for any old exchange... the aussieland one is cheaper.. and shorter..
the uni of waterloo exchange is really nuts.. it eats up my entire summer break..
sigh.
choices.. choices...
Apparently they have a really large faculty of mathematics.. Imagine a whole faculty of mathematics.. over in NUS its just a department of mathematics in a faculty of science..
hmmn.. i'm wondering if i even like maths that much.. maybe i should really just go for any old exchange... the aussieland one is cheaper.. and shorter..
the uni of waterloo exchange is really nuts.. it eats up my entire summer break..
sigh.
choices.. choices...
Mugging in the library
I suppose I'll have to start coming up with new and more innovative posts for days like these, cause i've been spending lots of days in the library..
anyhow here's some pictures..
I
as you can see Fabius has given up the fight.. and the usually empty Bound Journals section of the science library is now full of people.. Gosh.. its wednesday...
I don't want to study!!!!
I want to tofu.
I really do.
Back to probability..
anyhow here's some pictures..
I
as you can see Fabius has given up the fight.. and the usually empty Bound Journals section of the science library is now full of people.. Gosh.. its wednesday...
I don't want to study!!!!
I want to tofu.
I really do.
Back to probability..
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
A fresh start..
This is a new beginning for me.. I've decided to stop moping, and get on with life.
The question then rises.. Am i sweeping the mistakes of the past under the carpet?
No.. i don't think so. For one, i cannot bring myself to delete her emails.. I still have her letters.
Every single mistake that we had, that i made, is as fresh today as it was when it took place.
I know exactly how much I have lost, if it is even possible to describe her wonder, her beauty and her gorgeous personality, that even now brings a wave of heartbreak.
I've deleted her photos.. the photos we had when we were together. I cannot claim them. They are no longer mine and I have no right to them.
This is perhaps the most painful lesson I've had in my life. Loving someone can be as disastrous as the worst accident ever.
And to pour in the irony, the lesson is something i knew all along, that something with great potential to be great, and wonderful, and beautiful, has that same potential to turn equally wrong.
This is one of those things.
I don't think I could have made it to today without some persons who spoke to me online during those cold empty nights, cooped up in my room with no comfort and no way to forgive myself.. I don't know how to express my thanks, really.. They were lifesavers, each of them..
I wish i was made of sterner stuff. I wish i had the godliness that would keep me from hurting myself and other people with my settling for lesser standards. If only I had treasured His Word, His commandments. If only I was close to Him. Perhaps there would have been less pain. But then if i didn't need the lesson, i wouldn't have had to go through all this.
I wish for a lot of things. I wish I could allow myself to rush into this pool of emotion. I wish I could tell her I loved her. I wish I could cry out to her, and I wish she would hold my hand and tell me its alright. I wish she would lean on me, and I could put my arm around her and tell her it was all going to be okay. I wish she would smile at me again.
But these things cannot happen. Not if I am to remain like this. Not if i am to stay the same wrecked person I am, with no regard for His instruction, His plan for my life. If I were to stay the same, and those things took place, we would go back to square one. I saw this when I broke up. But I told myself after that, that we could still somehow succeed. But she saw this truth too, and she refused to believe we could succeed.
She is the correct person in this. And I was kidding myself. The results will not change if the conditions remain constant.
Right now the only thing I can do is to head towards, no, throw myself headlong into trusting God. No matter how scary it is to leave her. To not find out about how she is. To not see her.
I need to love God more than I do her. And I need to trust that God can take care of her infinitely better than i ever can.
What I need to do now is to return her some things she has given me. If God willing, we have a tomorrow, then I will see those things again. She can give me all those things once more, and we can begin afresh. If not, I have no claim to those things anyhow.
God, give me strength. And help me not be afraid. Hold my hand through it all.
The question then rises.. Am i sweeping the mistakes of the past under the carpet?
No.. i don't think so. For one, i cannot bring myself to delete her emails.. I still have her letters.
Every single mistake that we had, that i made, is as fresh today as it was when it took place.
I know exactly how much I have lost, if it is even possible to describe her wonder, her beauty and her gorgeous personality, that even now brings a wave of heartbreak.
I've deleted her photos.. the photos we had when we were together. I cannot claim them. They are no longer mine and I have no right to them.
This is perhaps the most painful lesson I've had in my life. Loving someone can be as disastrous as the worst accident ever.
And to pour in the irony, the lesson is something i knew all along, that something with great potential to be great, and wonderful, and beautiful, has that same potential to turn equally wrong.
This is one of those things.
I don't think I could have made it to today without some persons who spoke to me online during those cold empty nights, cooped up in my room with no comfort and no way to forgive myself.. I don't know how to express my thanks, really.. They were lifesavers, each of them..
I wish i was made of sterner stuff. I wish i had the godliness that would keep me from hurting myself and other people with my settling for lesser standards. If only I had treasured His Word, His commandments. If only I was close to Him. Perhaps there would have been less pain. But then if i didn't need the lesson, i wouldn't have had to go through all this.
I wish for a lot of things. I wish I could allow myself to rush into this pool of emotion. I wish I could tell her I loved her. I wish I could cry out to her, and I wish she would hold my hand and tell me its alright. I wish she would lean on me, and I could put my arm around her and tell her it was all going to be okay. I wish she would smile at me again.
But these things cannot happen. Not if I am to remain like this. Not if i am to stay the same wrecked person I am, with no regard for His instruction, His plan for my life. If I were to stay the same, and those things took place, we would go back to square one. I saw this when I broke up. But I told myself after that, that we could still somehow succeed. But she saw this truth too, and she refused to believe we could succeed.
She is the correct person in this. And I was kidding myself. The results will not change if the conditions remain constant.
Right now the only thing I can do is to head towards, no, throw myself headlong into trusting God. No matter how scary it is to leave her. To not find out about how she is. To not see her.
I need to love God more than I do her. And I need to trust that God can take care of her infinitely better than i ever can.
What I need to do now is to return her some things she has given me. If God willing, we have a tomorrow, then I will see those things again. She can give me all those things once more, and we can begin afresh. If not, I have no claim to those things anyhow.
God, give me strength. And help me not be afraid. Hold my hand through it all.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
a post a post!
wow.. i haven't posted in so long because i thought that this blog was in worse shape that it actually is.. haha..
its been an insane week of struggling to study.. i'm currently in the library hitting at probability tutorials..
i've been feeling mopey.. i guess i'll just put up a song that kind of sums it up?
Maybe You'll Be There
its been an insane week of struggling to study.. i'm currently in the library hitting at probability tutorials..
i've been feeling mopey.. i guess i'll just put up a song that kind of sums it up?
Maybe You'll Be There
Each time I see a crowd of people
Just like a fool I stop and stare
It's really not the proper thing to do
But maybe you'll be there
I go out walking after midnight
Along the lonely thoroughfare
It's not the time or place
To look for you
But maybe you'll be there
You said your arms would always hold me
You said you lips were mine alone to kiss
Now after all those things you told me
How can it end like this
Someday if all my prayers are answered
I'll hear a footstep on the stair
With anxious heart
I'll hurry to the door
And maybe you'll
Be there
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Starting a blog...
Holy cow.. how does this work..
After months of procastinating i've finally started a blog.. so what the heck.. lets see how it goes..
i'm going drinking in a bit.. want to get my mind off some things.. wonder how it'll go.. maybe i'll post again later.. if i'm not too stoned..
After months of procastinating i've finally started a blog.. so what the heck.. lets see how it goes..
i'm going drinking in a bit.. want to get my mind off some things.. wonder how it'll go.. maybe i'll post again later.. if i'm not too stoned..
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